Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
