your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
