I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
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Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
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Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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