Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
