I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
