Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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