onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
