He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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