i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
