One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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