did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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