He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
