I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
