yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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