OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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