Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
