mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
