just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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