Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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