Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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