Pappa wants mamma naked
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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