Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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