Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
