his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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