Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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