Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
