the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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