how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
