So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So here I am, sexting at work.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
