I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
