Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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