It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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