That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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