i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
