I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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