Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize