I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
