better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize