I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
