i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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