I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i drank out of a bidet.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
