I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
