That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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