My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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