So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
