if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
