I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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