I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
