he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
