You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
time to smoke my breakfast
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
