her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
