How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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