my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Randomize
