i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
