did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
