Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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