Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
